Q. What was Diana wearing when she died?
A. A blue bonnet.
Q. What does Diana stand for?
A. Died In A Nasty Accident.
Q. What have Princess Diana and Pink Floyd got in common?
A. They both had a hit with the wall.
Q. What is the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz?
A. At the London Ritz you get after dinner mints, at the Paris Ritz
you get minced after dinner.
Q. What did the Queen give Fergie for her birthday?
A. A Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
Q. What were the two drugs found in Henri Paul's blood?
A. Speed and smack.
Q. What was the last thing that Princess Diana had to drink?
A. A Harvey Wallbanger with six chasers.
Q. What will Di get for Christmas?
A. The Queen Mother.
Q. What's Di's favourite ice-cream?
A. Walls.
Q. What have Di and Ian Wright got in common?
A. Both hit the post four times at the weekend.
Q. What's the difference between Neighbours and Prince Charles?
A. Neighbours has a Mrs Mangle, Charles has a mangled Mrs.
Q. Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
A. Because he's the only queen who gives a fuck.
Q. What's the difference between George Best and Henri Paul?
A. George Best can still take corners when he's pissed.
Q. What do a bee and a Mercedes have in common?
A. They both make Royal jelly.
Q. What's the difference between Swampy and Princess Di?
A. They both go into tunnels, but Swampy comes out of them.
Q. How did the crash investigators know that Di had dandruff?
A. They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.
Q. What's the difference between Dodi/Di and Charles/Camilla?
A. Dodi and Di are just a crush.
Q. What's the best way to paint a Mercedes red?
A. Di it.
Q. What was playing on the stereo when Di's car crashed?
A. Going Underground.
Q. What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Escort?
A. Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Escort.
Q. What would Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A. Trying to claw her way out of her coffin.
Q. Why was Lady Di's death a tragedy?
A. Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car
with her.
Q. What's the difference between Diana and Tiger Woods?
A. Tiger has a good driver.
Q. What did Dodi Fayed say to his driver before they went to France?
A. "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
Q. What is Dodi's new pet name for Di?
A. Squidgy.
Have you heard that Dodi wanted to go clubbing but Diana just wanted
to crash?
Have you heard that the French doctors could have saved Diana but they
didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess?
Have you heard that the paparazzi are being investigated by French
police for murder? Just before the Mercedes left the Ritz on that
fateful night they were heard shouting, "Die! Die! Die!"
Have you heard that Princess Diana was on the radio? And the
dashboard, and the windscreen, and...
Apparently Di had also been drinking on the night of the crash. Tests
show she had two pints of Carling in her.
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking his dog. When a
passer by said "Morning," Charles replied, "No, just walking the dog."
Headline describing the Royal Mail's decision to not deliver letters
on Saturday: DIANA CRASH HAS IMPACT ON POST.
If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove
compartment?
Microsoft have announced that their latest operating system - Windows
98 - is to be renamed to Diana, Princess of Windows.
A spokesman for Microsoft said that this was in tribute to the late
ex-royal and is a fitting name in that the product will look flash, be
mostly superficial, consume vast amounts of resources, and crash
spectacularly.
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You
were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and
the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent
most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did
no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a
bigger halo?"
St. Peter replies, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."
On the day of the wedding, Di was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realised she'd forgotten to get any
shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Di for the day. Unfortunately they were a
bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Di's feet were
agony. When she and Charlie withdrew to their room the only thing she
could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and
the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charlie say,
"God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen, "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Charlie say, "Right. Now for the
other one," followed by more grunting and straining and at last
Charlie said, "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
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