The all-new 1999 "Man About Town" guide.
1. Use discretion when eying someone up. Try to maintain eye contact,
with only brief pauses to observe the "bristols" and the "booty".
If unsure if target is unaccompanied use only periodical eye
contact until you can be sure of safety. The Heisenberg
Uncertainty Principle states that you should never enquire about
her "marital status" as this by Quantum Mechanics means she will
be "already fixed up."
2. Never ever wear a decent pair of pants if you are intending to
pull as God wants to have a good laugh at you trying to be
romantic in your 3-day old skid-stained y-fronts. The
complementary truth is, of course, that the wearing of the best
boxers constitutes a hex. Don't do it. Also, remember that "magic
shirts" only work once.
3. Alcohol in large doses = beer goggles = disaster. Also, never
trust any opinions expressed by your mates - they will always try
to stitch you up.
4. Never try to be funny. What you think is an hilarious anecdote is
probably about as amusing as cancer to anybody else.
5. Just because a girl talks to you it doesn't mean that she is going
to declare undying love for you in the next sentence. It's more
likely that she is leading up to asking where your obscenely good
looking friend is.
6. Don't believe anything the girl says. Ever. "No, this isn't a good
idea," could well mean, "ask me back to yours." But don't bank on
it. Listen to the eyes and not the voice - the eyes rarely lie
about the motivations, although there are a thousand (ultimately
unintelligible) reasons why she'll just do something else anyway.
7. Even though it is right and proper to assume the worst, make sure
your brand new consolation top-shelf-magazine is well hidden - the
potential for disaster is incredible.
8. Don't talk to your mates in some strange language or use
"hilarious" sci-fi references that she won't understand, eg "Time
is an illusion", followed by the reply "Lunchtime doubly so".
Also, comedy drum "stings" are not advisable. (See also point 4.)
9. Under no circumstances should the "L" word ever enter the
conversation even/especially with reference to previous
entanglements (PEs). Mentioning PEs themselves is a dangerous
policy unless the correct safety equipment is used. On no account
allow chips to be anywhere near your neck area.
10. Remember to switch off the tractor beam when you are r/ejected or
the hyperdrive system will refuse to work (the city's computer
told me). (See point 8.)
11. If you are unable to control your hands, try to find something
inorganic to hold on to.
12. Do not boast about your drinking exploits unless she goes first.
13. Keep mobile phone usage to a reasonable level. Constant fiddling
and playing without actually receiving any calls will imply a)
that you have no mates and b) you are lacking in the trouser
department.
14. Try to remember where you left your dignity the night before. The
more times you lose it, the more difficult it is to find it again.
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