Do you know someone who thinks Teletext's better than the Internet and
Primula spread on Mother's Pride beats goat's cheese on focaccia? If
so, give them this guide to modern living then discretely delete their
number from your £200 mobile with the programmable ring.
NON-THREATENING BAR: The first All Bar One was opened in 1994 in
Surrey by Uncool Britannia brewery Bass. Strangely unenamoured with
dodging darts and leering dullards, women apparently preferred
establishments where they could sit undisturbed reading Captain
Corelli's Mandolin over a glass of wine. Then the suits arrived.
GASTRO GUBBINS: First spotted in London's Clarkenwell in the mid-'90s.
Last year the Michelin Guide incorporated, for the UK only, the new
category of gastropub to recognise the concept whereby 'bangers and
mash' becomes 'wild boar and tarragon sausage garnished with roasted
pepper and goat's cheese on a bed of creamed potato'. Tasty, though.
LIQUID DIET: Now even those without teeth can eat cool lunches. Ten
years ago, the New Covent Garden Soup Company kickstarted the notion
of 'cool soup'. Now the whole market (bolstered by nu-soup kitchens
like Soup Works) is worth £60m. With juice and porridge (oh yes!)
catching up, it seems the future is liquid. With bits in.
ACTIVEWEAR: It's a jungle out there. But then it's also, seemingly, a
leisure centre. So best dress accordingly in khaki/olive sportswear.
Even Miuccia Prada declared 'sports clothing is the only thing that
looks really new now' (she clearly hasn't walked down many high
streets) and Ralph Lauren launched a range of combats. In pastel silk.
IN-STORE DJ: When US-based (since 1973) shop Urban Outfitters opened
in London last June, it inaugurated the fashion for superceeding the
Top Shop style in-store Gary Davis clones with a nu-eclecto would-be
deckmeister practising his palpitation-inducing moves on the shopfloor
of a Saturday afternoon.
SALSA: The quintessential mid-youth pulling joint to replace pottery
evening classes (despite a late bid from Jive). Look out for
over-confident posh types 'really getting into it'. Actually there
ISN'T Latin spirit in everyone, you know.
COFFEE CULTURE: Blame Frasier. Blame Friends. Even blame the Beastie
Boys' love of Starbucks. Five years ago the first Coffee Republic
opened in London. There's now 200 equivalents across the UK (predicted
to rise to 1500 before saturation) all offering skinny-mocha-latte-
type variations on the stuff we all used to be happy getting out of a
jar.
GROOVY GARDENING: Sensitive young chaps used to clutch poetry to their
chests as proof of 'soul' - these days they're more likely to tend in
meditative fashion to their much-prized window-box (Feng-Shui'd Zen
twig arrangement optional).
MEDICENTRE: See the doctor when YOU want. For only £36 for 15 minutes,
you can cut out all the bother of having to make a single phone call
for a free appointment. From starting in August 1996 in London's
Victoria station, Medicentre now runs 12 drop-in clinics around the
country seeing 1000 customers a week. No doubt aimed at people 'on the
go'.
ONE-STOP SHOP: Like the Internet shopping experience you have to leave
the house for, Border's opened in 1998 on London's Oxford Street
(launched by Richard Joseph, founder of similarly coffee-centric Books
Etc...). A giant store stocking CDs, books, magazines, videos, and
(yes!) coffee - it also became the first 'bookshop' to have a licensed
bar.
TRAM: Dig up your Northern city for three years. Install a bus that
can't steer. Pretend you're turn-of-the-century Vienna. You still
won't get the Olympics, you know. When Sheffield's Supertram began
running in 1995, it was immediately criticised for going from nowhere
to nowhere and getting snarled up in ordinary traffic while doing it.
The Mancunian ones are top, though.
FAKE GLASSES: The logical extension of geek chic - specs for those
with 20/20 vision. A more expensive version of carrying round books
you don't read, thick black rims can supposedly osmose intelligence.
ACTION WATCH: Once primarily a time-telling device, your watch should
now double as your survival kit - with its own barometer, thermometer,
altimeter, AOL link, and distress flare in case of emergencies. Thanks
to G-Shock, Nike, or, rather more expensively (£800-2500), Tag Heuer,
you can be as prepared to climb the Himalayas as you are to go down
the shops with one handy wrist wrapping.
OUTDOOR SEATING: Britain, often being cold and wet, had never really
taken to eating and drinking in the open before. That, though, was
before discovering how shivering and breathing in petrol fumes makes
you feel more cosmopolitan. Skin-searing overhead heaters an evening
option.
SUPERANNUATED SKATEBOARDER: You might be pushing 30, but that's no
reason not to hang out in shopping precincts with teenagers
continually failing to perform the same 'stunt' to the annoyance of
all around you. The state-of-the-art Chad Muska range is essential.
Anything cheaper is, frankly, just kids' stuff.
NO FRILLS FLIGHTS: Since air transport deregulation in 1992, knackered
tinpot airports like Stanstead, Prestwich, and Birmingham have been
revived by companies like Easyjet, British Airways' Go, and bizarrely,
Lothario-advertised Debonair. You can't beat getting to Barcelona for
the price of a Whispa.
GAY DAD POSTERS: The omnipresent stickman logo, realised by legendary
Factory Records designer Peter Saville, first appeared to accompany
January's release of 'To Earth With Love'. Mysteriously, it's also
used to advertise footpaths.
SUPERMARKET SUSHI: You can now enjoy expensive exotic food without
wasting valuable moments sitting down somewhere nice. Waitrose has
been offering a ready-to-eat range of Taiko Sushi Sloane (£9.99) for
the last two years. Inevitably, sushi (meaning 'vinegared') conveyor
belts will soon be fitted in state-of-the-art workplaces.
GLAMOUR SANDWICHES: Cheese-spread-and-Hovis really doesn't cut it in
the age of pitta wraps, onion-bread, and deep-fill focaccia. British
people now spend £2.8 billion consuming two billion sandwiches a year,
with the sector expanding twice as fast as the rest of the economy.
It's been described as the 'barmcake miracle'.
CHROME BMX: Healthy, eco-friendly, and - best of all - a really cool
metallic grey! Since the original kiddie-based boom in the mid-'80s,
the BMX market had all but disappeared. Until 1996, that is, when the
same people decided they wanted them again, sparking a mini-revival
and grown men talking about 'bunny hops' and 'endos'.
YOUNG SHAVEN-HEADED MALES: Time was when receding hairlines would be
disguised by the brushed-forward fringe and the only slapheads around
were Duncan Goodhew and Kojak. Now everyone's at it - with even the
slightest hint of a widow's peak being instantly treated to the
harshest cut of all. Incidentally, it's a myth that it grows back
stronger.
UPPER-CHIN/LOWER-BOTTOM-LIP PIERCING: Because eyebrow piercing was
just too straightforward, we've now progressed to parts of the body
that haven't even got names (though the piecing is called a labret).
Next up: the bit of skin between the eyes and the ears. Quite
possibly.
COAT-BAG HYBRID: There used to be bags and there used to be coats. Now
they've blended as seamlessly as Big and Beat so Meg's sure to have
one by the end of the week. See also: Gaultier apron pouches and (no
shit!) Miu Miu boot pouches. Soon to arrive: bags that fit neatly
within your undies.
HANDS-FREE MOBILE PHONE: Cut down on your levels of radiation at the
same time as your levels of dignity! Yes, you too can appear to gabble
into thin air just like a tramp! They've caught on in Europe,
apparently, and last year saw the first worrying sightings of the
phenomenon on UK (OK, Soho) streets.
SKIRTS OVER TROUSERS: Ah, what to wear today? Trousers? Skirt? What
the hell, why not both? Two previously mutually exclusive items of
apparel - like mittens and gloves - come together to produce the least
flattering female lower-half clothing trend since leggings. First
publicly modelled by Donna from Elastica in 1996.
DIGITAL TV: Whether via cable or satellite, the 200-plus new channels
at your disposal are literally jam-packed with the kind of talent that
just wasn't quite good enough to make it onto Channel 5. The UK market
is now valued at £2 billion and Sky is estimated to have nearly
200,000 subscribers. All told, it's sehr gut for fans of German soaps.
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