THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT-LOSS DURING SEX
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ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
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REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands 7
Using one trembling hand 96
GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner along floor 16
Using skateboard 3
ACHIEVING ERECTION:
For a normal healthy man 2.5
For a normal healthy woman 549
Losing erection 0.5
Searching for it 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection 1.5
Without erection 300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced 6
Inexperienced 72
If a man does it, regardless of experience 680
Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room.
INSERTION:
If woman is ready 0.5
If man is not 274
ORGASM:
Real 27
Faked 160
POSSIBLE SIDE-EFFECTS:
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27
ORGASM INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 0.5
Orchestra played 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
Contact lenses bounced off ceiling 50
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm 0.5
A few moments before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman 3
For man 72
AGGRAVATION FACTORS:
Partner keeps showing you his/her plants 5
Partner insists on cuddling dog/cat 14
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partners' spouse 60
By your spouse 60.5
Trying to explain 165
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 25
Getting dressed in one large motion 300
Thanking partner quickly 2
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian: Man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian: Woman on bottom, man getting permission 55
English: Side by side with lights off 10
Scots: Woman on top, man on whisky 69
American: Both on top 60
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO PREFERENCE:
Missionary 45
Soixante neuf 69
Doggie fashion 120
Doggie fashion (with barking and yelping) 150
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