Q. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A. A carrot.
Q. What's big, grey, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A. A castle.
Q. What's green and dangerous and falls down from trees?
A. A snooker table.
Q. What's pink and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff.
Q. What's Mary short for?
A. 'Cos she's got little legs.
Q. What do you give a man who's got everything?
A. Penicillin.
Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A. His wife died.
Q. What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A. Pat.
Q. What will Postman Pat be called when he retires abroad?
A. Ex-Pat.
Q. What goes in, out, in, out, and stinks of piss?
A. The Queen Mum doing the Hokey-Cokey.
Q. What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
A. Chewing gum.
Q. What hangs out your underpants?
A. Your mum.
Q. What's pink and hard in the morning?
A. A penis.
Q. Why was the washing machine laughing?
A. Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. Why don't they teach driving lessons and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. What's the difference between Delia Smith and a rural jog?
A. One's a pant in the country and...
Q. How do you know when you're too fat?
A. When you are lying on the beach and a group of Greenpeace activists
throw water over you whilst trying to push you back into the ocean.
Q. What have the gas board and pelicans got in common?
A. They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q. What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A. The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.
Q. Why do Marxists drink only herbal tea?
A. Because property is theft.
I was at work the other day when I saw a man stealing a gate.
I didn't tell anyone though, just in case he took offence.
A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and asks the bloke, "can you
make me one with everything?"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Did you hear about the redundant clairvoyant who retrained and became
a contortionist? He saw his own end.
A hunter was running through the woods when he came across a naked
lady with her legs wide open. "Are you game?" he asked her. "Yes," she
replied. So he shot her.
The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful. Only
two men made appointments. One came on the bus and the other missed
the tube.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
"I was posted to Africa."
"Really what was it like?"
"I don't know, I couldn't get out of the envelope."
There was an Eskimo who was feeling the cold. He put an oil heater in
his canoe to keep warm. One day it melted and he drowned. And the
moral of the story is that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
A bloke goes into a pub and says, "Doctor doctor, I've got a chip on
my shoulder and egg on my face."
"Sorry," the nun replies, "I'm a trifle deaf."
Two cats swam across the English Channel in a race. The first was
called One Two Three Cat, the second Un Deux Trois Cat. Which one won?
One Two Three Cat, because Un Deux Trois Cat sank.
A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering five boxes of tampax for
a pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager,
"is this the right price?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for one pound, no strings attatched."
Bloke goes into a chemist, and says, "A comb please."
"Steel one?"
"No, I've got the money thank you."
Two tramps are walking past a church and they start to read the grave
stones. "Bloody Hell," one says, "this bloke was 182!"
"Oh yeah?" says the other, "What was his name?"
"Miles, from London," replies the second tramp.
Two men are approaching each other as the walk down the street. Both
are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks
at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back."
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