Ah, the Americans.
Hot from the states, the results are in...
1997 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done
the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Here
are some current candidates:
5th Runner Up:
A San Anselmo, California man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower
at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam
pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3am, the Mono
County Sheriff's Department said. "Hubal and his friends apparently
had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam
protectors from the lift towers," said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the
Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers
who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide
down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th Runner Up:
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed
the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
3rd Runner Up:
To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd Runner Up:
Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a West Virginia party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it
in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,"
Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how
to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his
teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne said. Stromyer was listed
in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,
according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just
can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st Runner Up:
Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be
released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain
Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said
had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss
all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Robert
admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have
been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said
the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a
JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly
shot himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff.
THE WINNERS:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of
the great state of Washington, who decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets
(but 18 beers among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop
over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends
pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John
- 100 pounds heavier than Sal - to hop over, and then assist his
friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he
found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by
a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes
below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. Finally free, John crashed below into Holly
bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being
without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch
penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife
proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left
thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided
to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the
pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken state,
Sal put the truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through
the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the
truck, suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet
from the truck. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half
naked, with scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his
thigh, and his shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the
air.
Congratulations, gentlemen...
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