Here's a late entry for the Darwin Awards - an award generally given
out posthumously for the most stupid way to die - if there is such a
thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score
big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the
mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the
city of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the
city lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his
pleas and they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and
passionately began making love. The heavy storm clouds rolling
overhead and the low rumble of thunder inside them excited the lovers
even more. At the first few flashes of lightning, they never looked up
to see the charred remains of once great trees. Their idyllic clearing
was a hotbed of electrical activity during the warm desert nights.
With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck the high point on
the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's ass, and sought
the path of least resistance - straight down! Incredibly, he survived,
but was in excruciating pain.
The heat of the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that
the lovers were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl,
unfortunately, did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student
looked down into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she
was dead, his immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her,
which of course, he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit
into the girl's face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and
repeated vomiting until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese
lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from
the dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear,
there was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his
horror, the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to
eat the girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his
ear. The bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull
with its teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was
parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls
discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times
in the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten
girl about 20-feet. Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the
student from the corpse, but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of
cauliflower in its flaccid state. The first hint of arousal resulted
in so much pain, that the student was unable - and unwilling - to
achieve an erection. Future surgeries may produce a reasonably
functioning penis, but the student's family jewels, referred to by the
doctors as the "scrotum mass," are irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we
think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed
himself from the gene pool.
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