Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove that
fact is stranger than fiction.
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide.
The man had swallowed several nitro-glycerin pills and a fifth of
vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said
that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to
make the nitro-glycerin explode.
A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady
had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to
have children she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken
rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could
reattach the man's genitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in
good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house and the
search was on. During the search one of the officers heard a choking
sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the corner.
After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the man's jewels
from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by the urologist
it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee while
sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs
was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to
undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under
her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left side of her
chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny new dime. And
last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote control was
discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She became known as "The
Human Couch."
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta!
Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was
"Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a
neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold. When
the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave himback his
belongings and told him where she had found the money. His response:
"It was a fifty, bitch!"
An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did,
indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal vault. It was
easily removed and looked very much like a potato. Itwas, indeed, a
potato. The patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she
"put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.
The most non-emergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2am with
a complaint of belly button lint.
A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The
doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
The doctor went back to the young female's room. Doctor: "The results
of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not
sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor
went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't
make it... "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the
ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
AIDS. The boy thought for a while then said questioningly, "I've been
screwing the dog?"
A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom
and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."
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