The following are excerpts from various American medical journals,
most of which are pretty sick. You have been warned!
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20
inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It
had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her
body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was
found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged
between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had
hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table. While in the act, she had an
epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and
wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed
a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found
that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins.
Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The
woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that
they would grow into a baby.
SEX EDUCATION
A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A
later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said
that she was not sexually active, the woman replied -I'm not, I just
lie there-. When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled
look she replied * No. Who?-
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor
examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact
lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing
from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her
womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two
weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling
out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had "a rat in her" and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a
surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he
frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream
to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he
was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he
came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and
his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except
prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity
in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it
lasted, because it was going to be his last.
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina.
She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her
doctor had recently given her. "I followed all the instructions to the
letter," she told her doctor, "and used it with the jelly." When asked
which kind of jelly she had used, she replied, "grape."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst
vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had
been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided
to feed further down his body.
PET SHOP BOYS
In Salt Lake City, two men came into the ER. One had "partial
thickness burns to the natal cleft." The other had a singed mustache
and a broken nose. Investigating doctors found a live gerbil in the
first man's colon. The pair explained that they tried to free it using
a cardboard cylinder. Unable to see, the second man lit a match to get
a better view, which resulted in substantial methane combustion.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus
and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell.
On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it
but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called
in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man's
anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He
said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix,
when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using
a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain.
Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum
was removed. Along with a stray ping-pong ball.
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