Crap Jokes: Truth Stranger Than Fiction: Quotes: Extracts from Private Eye


Interviewer: "So why do you paint some things yellow, some things red
              and some things green?"
Artist:      "Because I'm a painter."
Channel 4. (Robert G. Brew)

"Kevin Francis can't help being 6 foot 7 - he was born that way."
- PETER RHOADES-BROWN, BBC Thames Valley FM. (Dan Smith)

"OK Julie, now pick me a number - A, B, C or D?"
- LORRAINE KELLY, ITV. (Peter Leslie)

"He couldn't quite wrap his head around the ball."
- CLIVE TYLDESLEY, ITV. (Martin Kennedy)

"We'll have to hurry through this, Tom. No hurry, you just take your
 time."
- SIMON MAYO, Radio 1. (Simon J. Whyld)

"Some could be shocked by the implied explicitness."
- Radio 4. (Chris Kendall)

"He [Ronaldo] is the fastest car on the starting pitch."
- ITV. (Frances Chapman)

"It's a one-man race that only he can win..."
- BBC2. (Chris Ings)

"If you compare the two there is no comparison.."
- PAUL NEWMAN (The Independent), Radio Five Live. (Andrew Smith)

Clarissa Dickson-Wright: "I had a llama named after me once..."
Angus Deayton:           "What was it called?"
Clarissa Dickson-Wright: "Clarissa..."
- Have I Got News For You, BBC2. (Everyone)

"There's only one recipe for lack of success and that is a lot of
 very hard work."
- MURRAY WALKER, ITV. (Stephen Requena)

"There's a wind of change afoot."
- Guest on Woman's Hour. (Pat Whittle)

"Manchester Untied will be creating a worldwide chain of stores and
 restaurants, both in this country and abroad."
- BBC News 24. (Robert White)

Terry Keane: "We danced together and there was a very strong mutual
              attraction."
Gay Byrne:   "On his part or on your part...?"
Terry Keane: "Well... mutual really..."
- The Late Late Show, RTE 1. (A. O'Sullivan)

"It works in 90% of cases, but there's always that one in a million
 when it doesn't..."
- Talk Radio. (Edward Edmondson)

"Ndlovu hasn't heard the whistle - because the referee hasn't blown
 it."
- ALAN BRAZIL, Sky Sports 2. (Ian Kinloch)

Jeff Thomson:   "My first visit here - very picturesque."
Jonathan Agnew: "Have you ever played here?"
Jeff Thomson:   "No."
- BBC. (Everyone)

"Today's game was literally the metaphorical game of two halves."
- Stuart Cosgrove, Radio Scotland. (Paul Hutton)

"The Newcastle fans... have torn down one of the saplings, and another
 has been partly defenestrated."
- DOUG MORRIS, Radio 5 Live. (Hugh Shipman)

"... it's got to be better than decisions made behind smoke-filled
 doors ..."
- EVE POLLARD, Radio 5 Live. (David Mentz)

"The stadium is silent now. That will be music to Scotland's ears."
- GARY BLOOM, Channel 5. (Simon Burden)
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