GUIDE TO PHONING IN SICK
On the September 21st, British summertime was officially over. And
with the hours of daylight already beginning to dwindle, it's just a
matter of time before the clock goes back an hour, and it will soon be
dark as we head off for work, and already dark when we leave to go
home.
Add to that already depressing thought the fact that there are no more
Bank Holidays before Christmas and, well, it's almost enough to have
us reaching for a razor blade, with a hot bath running.
However, before you consider such drastic action, it may be worth
knowing that the best way to avoid the blues is twofold - Firstly, you
need to introduce spontaneity into your life and, secondly, you need
to party - and party hard. Midweek clubbing is the answer, providing
for an excellent spontaneous party experience.
Only one problem, of course, a day spent at work with a hangover or
coming down is about as much fun as watching Hale & Pace. So, here's
what to do... Go out and party anyway, then throw a sickie!
Easier said than done, of course, because there is always the hurdle
of having to phone work. But, as a seasoned professional in the art of
phoning in sick, I am here to offer you some tips.
1. Unless it is known that you already live with someone of the
opposite sex (or the same sex if you're out and proud), always make
the call yourself, otherwise it just sounds like you pulled the
night before.
2. It's not such a bad idea to still be up and trashed from the night
before when you make your call, as it sounds as though you have a
deliriously high fever.
3. However, if you are still completely trashed when you make the call
remember to write down what you gave as your illness. This avoids
any possibility that you may forget what you said was wrong with
you on your return to work the next day.
4. Remember it's no good saying you've got the flu if you intend going
in the following day, unless of course it is well known that you
live with a miracle healer.
5. Two consecutive days off sick is somehow more convincing than just
the one day off.
6. The best kinds of excuses are any which are of a delicate nature -
such as anything of a remotely sexual disposition, although if your
boss is indiscreet it could cause you problems later when you try
to pull at the office Christmas party.
7. It is worth considering spending your 'sick day' in the pub,
because although you will still be faced with a (worse) hangover
the following day at work, no-one will doubt you if you look like a
bag of shit.
8. The occasional Monday off sick is within the realms of possibility,
consecutive Mondays off sick are taking the piss.
9. Honesty is never the best policy if the 'sickness' is self-
inflicted. Your boss didn't get where he or she is today by taking
unauthorised days off work. (Remember that some bosses don't even
take all the holidays owing to them. Incredible I know, but true!)
Believe me, they will never understand, and it doesn't matter how
well you think you get on.
10. Never take a day off for a common cold. It shows commitment to
your work, and is especially useful when you throw a spontaneous
sickie as you'll be known as someone who doesn't take a day off
for anything silly.
So, there you have it. But, before I go, here is the best cure I know
for a hangover, as it seems a bit stupid to spend your spontaneous day
off suffering unnecessarily. You need an emergency rehydration mix for
travellers, an effervescent Vitamin C tablet, and an Alka-Seltzer (all
available from any good chemist). Then, simply dissolve all three of
these in a large glass of Lucozade. It's hardly cocktail of the month,
but I promise you it's a pretty good cure. And now you can enjoy your
day off.
|
